This Sunday, millions of viewers will tune in to watch the 88th annual Academy Awards on ABC, and bask in the sight of Chris Rock skewering Hollywood’s diversity problem, a lilywhite audience laughing while nodding sagely, and beaucoup celebrities thanking God, their agent and their team. We at Fishwrap Factory, naturally, do not condone binge-drinking — but surely, there are some things that are too painful to endure while sober. And as this broadcast stretches into its ninth hour, you’re going to need to dull the pain of so much narcissism and clip montages and oh-so-concerned famous people patting themselves on the back — which is why we’ve put together a little drinking game to be played once the red carpet is rolled up and the fanfare kicks off at 7pm CST. Don’t worry, folks, we’ve got your back.
Below are the rules to #OscarsSoDrunk, to be followed with as much fidelity as humanly possible, or at least until your health becomes an issue and/or hospitilization is required. (Especially regarding Rule No. 15. That one’s a doozy.) You may choose the beer, wine, or spirit of your choice, though we personally recommend a well-aged single-barrel bourbon. Please watch the awards show responsibly, America. We’ll be raising our glasses along with you on Sunday night.
Drink THE FIRST TIME:
1. Chris Rock tells a joke about race and the camera cuts to a person of color in the audience.
2. A presenter makes an impassioned speech about diversity.
3. A winner makes an impassioned speech about diversity.
4. Someone makes a Donald Trump joke.
5. Someone makes an Antonin Scalia joke.
6. Someone makes a Sean Penn/El Chapo joke.
7. Someone makes a bear-rape joke.
8. You think about that horrible moment last year when Michael Keaton discreetly put his acceptance speech back in his pocket and you get sad all over again.
9. A winner forgets to thank the real-life person his/her character was based on.
10. A clip package pays tribute to “the magic of the movies.”
11. Room‘s Jacob Tremblay does something absolutely freakin’ adorable.
12 . The show tries to create a “viral moment,” and fails.
13. Someone makes a joke about Leo definitely winning tonight.
14. Someone makes a joke at Tom Hardy’s expense, and he does not laugh.
Drink EVERY time:
15. A white person wins an Oscar.
16. Someone makes a “I’d rather eat a bison liver” joke
17. Emmanuel Lubezki is referred to as “Chivo.”
18. Any time somebody from The Force Awakens makes an appearance during the show.
19. Anyone jokingly refers to The Force Awakens as “that little indie.”
20. You hear the words “agent,” “team,” or — if speaker is under the age of 30 — “squad.”
21. A winner says, “I share this award with my fellow nominees.”
22. A winner of a minor award is cut off by music in the middle of what would probably have been a pretty moving acceptance speech.
23. A winner actually goes along with the Academy’s suggestion to save the thank-yous for the onscreen text crawl and says something profound and personal instead.
24. Someone says “My kids, Wilhelm, Antwerp, Frisée — Daddy/Mommy loves you. Now go to bed.”
25. The camera cuts to George Clooney and he laughs, then looks to his right.
26. A Best Original Song nominee sings a song you would actually listen to if you weren’t watching the Oscars right now.
27. There’s a commercial for a blockbuster that will gross more than the GDP of a small nation but will never be nominated for anything more impressive than Best Sound Effects Editing.
28. The camera doesn’t cut away quickly enough and you see a nominee betray how they really feel about losing.
29. The montage of the dead lets through just enough live sound to give you you a sense who people are really clapping for.
30. Any time someone jokes about how long the Oscar telecast runs (take extra shot if this happens during the fifth or sixth hour of the show).
BONUS ROUND: TAKE A SHOT OF SINGLE-BARREL BOURBON WHENEVER:
31. A winner who tells the audience to visit a URL to get more information about his/her pet political cause.
32. A winner refers to his/her project as “a labor of love.”
33. The words “powerful,” “important” and/or “brave” are used.
34. You swear you’re never watching the Oscars again, then remember you said that last year.